I think I may be the only one who has seen the movie Bowfinger, but whenever I feel like I am about to lose it (which seems to be a lot lately) all I can remember is the line from the movie, where Kit just tells himself over and over "Keep it together, just keep it together."
I just can't seem to keep it together. It's been a little over 5 weeks since my mom passed and I am still so out of sorts. My dad and brother seem to be doing so much better with things than I am. They say that she was so sick that they have been preparing themselves for this time for a while. She tried to say things like this to me, but I didn't listen. I mean, maybe she knew. I just don't know. All I know is that I am completely torn apart still.
One of the things I miss the most is having her as a cheerleader. I mean, it tears me to shreds to think about what my kids are missing, but if I take them out of the equation, it just hurts so bad.
For example, I had a few interviews to transfer to different high schools in my district. I wanted sooooo bad to just be able to call her up and tell her how I did. I mean, I told my dad and husband, but it isn't the same. She was always so excited for me, no matter what. It could be something totally minor and it was like I had won a damn Academy Award. Another example is when I received my teaching certification test results. I would have loved to just call her up and say "Mom, I frickin' kicked ass on that test" and she would reply with something like "See, I told you you would do awesome on it."
Gawd I miss her.
I also miss how if I was bored while driving, I could call her up and she would talk to me my entire way home. 75% of the time I wouldn't have any clue as to what she was saying, but it was still a nice way to pass the time.
I feel bad because I am being too impatient, too short with the kids. I just don't seem to have the patience right now. I feel emotionally dull and raw, even after 5 weeks. I have been eating sooooo much (clothes that were baggy on me 2 months ago barely fit me now). I still can't sleep very well at night and to top it off, my anxiety has hit an all new high and I am worried that I am going to have a heart attack at any given moment. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that we still don't know what caused my mother's death. I know she was very ill for a very long time (the doctor's told her she probably wouldn't make it to 55. She was 52), but I am still worried all the time. So what do I do, I eat. I suppose it's better than drinking...isn't it?
Here is the steel going in...
After plumbing - I still can't get over how much damn pipe there is.
After gunite (fancy word for concrete, as far as I know...)
