Domestically Challenged

Do you make resolutions?

I have never had much success with resolutions - I know I am not alone in this. Despite this, I think about resolutions every year.

This year I have a different focus. After losing my mom and being in a deep depression for months afterwards, I decided that 08 is my year to feel great. Yes, it sounds cheesy, but so what? If it works, it works.

I was sitting on the couch, trying to get rid of my raging sinus infection before my trip to Rome, and I was surfing the net. I found a great perspective on resolutions. Instead of setting a bunch of meaningless resolutions that overwhelm us, it suggests trying to build a new habit each month. How easy is that?

I know from my NaNoWriMo success that I do well in month long intervals, so this seems like a great idea. I have writing goals for many of the months in 08, but why not break down other goals this way?

I miss her so much

It's really strange - there are some days that I cope with losing my mom ok and then there are days like today. Days where I am doing something and the loss just punches me in the gut when I'm not looking.

Today was obviously the latter.

I am in the middle of some tough decisions with work and childcare and I just wanted to talk to her. I just wanted to bounce ideas off of her. Losing her was like losing my own personal cheerleader. I know I have friends to talk about this with (thank God!) and my husband (who has been my pilar of strength - yes, I know it's corny) but it still isn't the same. It isn't the same as talking to her. It was like I could talk to her and get suggestions - they might not be even remotely helpful, but they were still supportive and she tried. I just still feel so empty about it all. <sigh>

You know you live in Arizona when...

• You burn your arm on your car window at the drive through. I recently suffered a bad enough burn that it blistered and now hurts like someone is stabbing me in the elbow with a hot, pointy poker.
• You go out to the pool to swim and the POOL is 96 degrees! It feels like a bathtub.
• You have a cooling trend because it barely reaches 105 degrees.
• A day with 25% humidity has you begging you for a dry heat day.

When snoring doesn't mean you are sleeping...

Contrary to popular belief, snoring is NOT an indication of sleep in the following situations:

--When hubby goes out to a baseball game, then plays golf early the next morning and then collapses on the couch, while I continue to wrestle with the kids.

--When hubby plays another round of golf the very next day and comes home to collapse on the couch for 2 hours. Everytime I "accidentally" tried to talk to him, the conversation went like this:

Me: Are you sleeping?

H:(after some snorting noises) No, I wasn't sleeping.

Me: But you were snoring.

H: No, I wasn't.

Me: Ok, what was it?

H: I was just breathing.

Yup. Breathing in a very distinct snoring type of pattern that is NOT sleeping.

Just keep it together

I think I may be the only one who has seen the movie Bowfinger, but whenever I feel like I am about to lose it (which seems to be a lot lately) all I can remember is the line from the movie, where Kit just tells himself over and over "Keep it together, just keep it together."

I just can't seem to keep it together. It's been a little over 5 weeks since my mom passed and I am still so out of sorts. My dad and brother seem to be doing so much better with things than I am. They say that she was so sick that they have been preparing themselves for this time for a while. She tried to say things like this to me, but I didn't listen. I mean, maybe she knew. I just don't know. All I know is that I am completely torn apart still.

One of the things I miss the most is having her as a cheerleader. I mean, it tears me to shreds to think about what my kids are missing, but if I take them out of the equation, it just hurts so bad.

For example, I had a few interviews to transfer to different high schools in my district. I wanted sooooo bad to just be able to call her up and tell her how I did. I mean, I told my dad and husband, but it isn't the same. She was always so excited for me, no matter what. It could be something totally minor and it was like I had won a damn Academy Award. Another example is when I received my teaching certification test results. I would have loved to just call her up and say "Mom, I frickin' kicked ass on that test" and she would reply with something like "See, I told you you would do awesome on it."

Gawd I miss her.

I also miss how if I was bored while driving, I could call her up and she would talk to me my entire way home. 75% of the time I wouldn't have any clue as to what she was saying, but it was still a nice way to pass the time.

I feel bad because I am being too impatient, too short with the kids. I just don't seem to have the patience right now. I feel emotionally dull and raw, even after 5 weeks. I have been eating sooooo much (clothes that were baggy on me 2 months ago barely fit me now). I still can't sleep very well at night and to top it off, my anxiety has hit an all new high and I am worried that I am going to have a heart attack at any given moment. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that we still don't know what caused my mother's death. I know she was very ill for a very long time (the doctor's told her she probably wouldn't make it to 55. She was 52), but I am still worried all the time. So what do I do, I eat. I suppose it's better than drinking...isn't it?

Trying to get my feet back under me

I took today off of work to get ready for the memorial service for my mom. It is sooooooooo difficult. I don't have that much to do, but I really, really wanted to have a picture of her from my wedding blown up to frame.

I couldn't find the photo (gonna need hubby's help on this one), but I did find some other photos, mostly of when the kids were first born. The kids made my mom soooo happy. Every picture with her is happy - she positivly beamed when she was with them.

I decided to take a few more days off of work. I realized that I only had so much emotional energy to use per day and I need to save that for my kids, not my students. I did this yesterday and I was much less angry.

I also have to say I have the best husband in the world. He has not even blinked an eye at the cost of the catering for the party ($900!!!!) and his generosity and thoughtfulness blows me away still.

QOTD: The state of US education

This was on my Google quote thingy today:

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
  - Evan Esar

Aha, so that's the problem! ;)

Be back soon!

tragedy hit home

I will be offline for a little bit. Yesterday, my mom passed away. She was 52. She had been in poor health for many, many years, but it was still sudden.

I knew this time would come, but I always assumed it would be after a hospital stay, where I could prepare myself mentally. Unfortunately, that isn't the case.

I will probably be writing this week, though it will be very depressing, so feel free to skip for a few days. I need to write to get through this.

Thank you.

Our hearts are with you, Virginia Tech

I would like to take a minute to express my condolences to all those affected by the events that took place on the campus of Virginia Tech on Tuesday. What happened appeared to be the work of a madman and I am sorry that it had to happen.

As a teacher, this type of story always freaks me out, especially since we are approaching the anniversary of the Columbine shootings. I remember that day very well. I was pregnant with my first child and driving out to an appointment to have my jaw worked on. I remember the deep rooted seed of sickness that bloomed in the pit of my preggo belly.

I hated feeling so vulnerable. I hated thinking that as teachers, we not only had to teach, but protect to. I hated being worried about my safety. As the years went on, we were always on high alert when April 20 rolled around and were thrilled when it landed on a weekend. We would hear the students - will there be a copycat? There were students arrested for having "kill lists" in their backpacks.

Even now, 8 years later, schools still have these same issues. And they all came back to light when the terror at VT was reported. My first question was this - how does someone shoot people on one side of campus, then go shoot 30 more two hours later on the opposite side of campus? I am not criticizing the police, I just don't see how it can happen. I'm sure there will be s lot in the news about this tragedy, so I won't dwell on it here. I just want those affected to know that they are not alone in their mourning.

Where have all the manners gone?

I helped to chaperon a field trip for my son's first grade class the other day and all I could think about was this - doesn't anyone teach their kids manners anymore? Obviously as a teacher, I see the worst of it. But on the field trip it was SO bad. It's a total lack of respect and quite frankly, it frightens me.

These are the people of the future and they have no common courtesy. There were little kids (6 & 7) swearing. One kid would walk in front of the other kids and say "Look at the crap coming out of my butt?" WTF? Oh, and did I mention that this was from the kid who broke my son's arm? Yeah, I exercised good restraint that day. But, I digress...

When I am out with my kids, I make sure that they are respectful to others (especially adults) and use their manners at all times. There are soooooo many people who don't do this. I see it with the kids in my son's class, the kids in my daughters preschool and even the kids in soccer. Is it really that hard to say please and thank you? Is it a big deal to say "Yes Please" or "No Thank You"? I think not. And I'm getting ready to start letting others know that it's not ok.

I am quickly turning into a cranky lady who gives a kid a snack and then sarcastically tells them "Your Welcome" knowing damn well that they didn't say "Thank You." I am the one who mad dogs parents when their little heathens kids, bump into (or run over) another kid without saying excuse me.

I remember when I was in Kindergarten and I had to learn phone manners. We learned how to answer the phone, how to take a message and frankly, it was probably the beginning to my obsession with talking on the phone. Now, how many times have you talked to someone who was rude to you on the phone? Hell, you have people who are now rude to you while their talking on their cell phones and they're not even talking to you!

And what do parents think when they see their kids and know that they are rude? I think we are in an era of lazy parenting. It takes too much energy to tell little Mikey to be nice, so they just let them do what he wants to and who cares what the consequences are, right? It's just like parents who expect their children's teachers to teach them the basics of life. It's not a teachers job, it's the parents. Plain and simple.

AARRGGHHH! OK, I will get off my soapbox now. If you will excuse me...