Domestically Challenged

The Mother (or father) of all Bad Dad Moments

Is there a way to tell if your child has ingested poop?

I know that's a gross thing to ponder, but that is what I am wondering as I write this. Every dad/husband has bad days, but this may never be topped.

I am currently sitting in my office working (except for writing this, of course) and I was very happy because my husband was home early for the holiday. I thought I would be able to get some work done early and not have to work so late. Humph.

So, I am working away and my husband calls me from my work so that I can go upstairs and get her. You might be wondering what he was doing. He was sitting with his ass firmly on the couch watching TV.

So I stop upstairs to go get our daughter who decided she wasn't quite ready for a nap, which I happened to mention to my husband before he put her down. I could smell the wonderful aroma of her butt as I got to the top of the stairs, so I assumed that she needed a diaper change and would be good to go.

I had no idea how right I was. Not only would she need a diaper change, but a clothing change, a sheet change and a poppy change.

I walked in and gasped. Her hands were entirely covered in poop. Not just poop, but dried crusty poop. Now, I have seen my share of CSI, but any dope could tell that since the poop was dried, it had been there for a while. She had poop on her crib rails. She had poop on her poppy, which is her pacifier, which means she had poop RIGHT BY HER MOUTH! She also had poop all over her sheets.

Now, surprisingly enough, there wasn't any poop on her clothes. The only thing I can figure is that she reached back to scratch and got a little sometin' extra.

I didn't ponder this for long, because I had to figure out how to get the caked poop off of her hands.

Now, if my husband, whom I love and have foresaken all others for, had pryed himself off the couch, he may have gotten to her before the poop dried.

Anyway, I had to yell for reinforcement, let my daughter sit under the bath water till all the poop was washed off her hands, then gave her a shower - her second of the day.

I am now locked in my office, trying to not throw up and maime my husband.

A Husband's Desperate Cry For Help

So, yesterday I'm working away and I was loudly interrupted by my husband.

"ALANA - I NEED HELP QUICK!!!"

Thinking that one of the kids was bleeding profusely (and how would I have missed that, since there were no kids screaming along with him) and I ran out of my office. Then My husband yells "I need help - bring some diapers, quick!"

Let me explain something. My husband, who only last month spent 1 1/2 hours in the parking lot of the pediatricians office cleaning out the truck and his daughter's car seat who had projectile vomited EVERYWHERE, has a thing with baby poop. Or rather, against baby poop.

It wasn't as pronounced with our son, but for some reason with our daughter, he suddenly can't change a diaper without gagging.

Ok, so I grab the diapers, wipes and a bag only to find my husband standing on the back patio gasping for air and standing with our daughter.

Me: "Why do you have her on the back patio? Her feet are getting cold."

Him: "SHE HAS POOP GOING ALL THE WAY UP HER BACK AND IT'S COMING OUT OF HER DIAPER AND I NEED HELP CLEANING HER UP!" (and yes, he was shouting)

Me: "Well, why did you take her outside?"

Apparently this was a foolish question, because my husband began stripping our daughter down, which meant that I got to clean poop off of her back while she was standing, and shivering, on our back patio.

Notice who was calm in this situation? Now, if I had been in a store without the diaper bag or giving her a bath, I might have also freaked out. But poop coming out of a diaper is not, in my mind anyway, something to freak out over. I definitely don't think she should have to be cleaned off on the patio.

I offered to spray her down with the hose, but thankfully my husband agreed that it was too cold for that. Had it been the dead of summer, he may have agreed.