So, I have been away for a while, and before I can legitimately get back into the blogging habit over here, I felt I owed you all an explanation. At this point, there may only be one or two of you left, but so be it.
Last year, I made the very tough decision to return to teaching. I had been working from home for over two years and after burning the candle from both ends and then some, decided that if I was going to work that hard, it might as well be at teaching. This would give me several things:
- Regular start and stop times (no more working every evening till 11 or 12pm)
- Regular vacation time
- Time to myself - I didn't get this at all because my schedule was too tight
Once I made the decision, the real issues began. My first issue was childcare. I couldn't find someone that I was totally comfortable with. My second issue was my kids health - my son got sick on the 3rd day of school and severely broke his arm the third week of school. Then there was my health. In 4 months time, I had the following:
- mono
- pneumonia
- sinus infections (4)
- strep throat (2)
- ear infections (4 - 8 if you count both ears)
As you can imagine, this led to many, many days off. Then came the heart problems. I went to my regular doctor for a racing heart rate and ended up at the cardiologists office with people 40 years older than me. Nothing wakes you up like being the only person who wasn't alive in the Nixon era in the doctor's office.
My resting heart rate was over 110 BPM. Regular rate is 60-80. So this was a problem.
There were some days that I thought the only way to save my life was to quit my teaching job. I wasn't having fun, I was tired all the time and my life generally sucked. Then Christmas came, then our trip to Puerto Rico (which was FAB!) and I decided I could do one of two things - I could still be pissed off that I gave up being an at home mom by choice or I could find a way to make the best of it. I needed to change my perspective.
So, I got happier, made different child care arrangements that worked out wonderfully for me and voila! I was happy again.
Then there is the issue of my book. You see, I wrote a book for at home moms. Going back to work was a very difficult decision for me, because I wondered if I could promote a book that had a situation different than mine. I know deep, deep down that it is possible and people do it all the time, but for some reason this has really bothered me.
I felt like a fraud. Or, more accurately, I thought others would think I was a fraud.
I thought about writing in the blog all the time. But I just couldn't do it. I gave up all of my column writing, despite the fact that it took me 2 years to get where I was (which wasn't very far, but still). I didn't write anything for several months. I just didn't feel it in me. I had to work on being happy with my new life first. I had to be ok with getting up at the crack of dawn's ass to get to work on time. I still don't even have a regular alarm clock. I am using a cell phone - that's how resistant I've been.
I also needed to enjoy my job again. I needed to have fun with my students and enjoy spreading knowledge. Despite how foo-foo-y it sounds, I am NOT one of THOSE teachers, who thinks that teens are like sponges and blah, blah, blah. Teens can be total PIA's, but they can also be funny and immature. And teaching allows me to act immature on a daily basis - it's perfect for me!
Then I needed to enjoy my family. I needed to veg on the couch with my husband when the kids went to bed. I needed to veg on the couch for my own sanity. I burned myself out by overworking, over thinking and being sick for 4 months.
I needed to be happy with myself. Despite what I may have told myself, I did not know that my first semester back to teaching would almost kill me - and I'm not being overly dramatic here.
Once I did all of this, I needed to reevaluate. I have had a lot of doubts about my writing skills, despite the fact that I have a book out. I needed to get over that.
Now, here I am.
I have decided, after lots of thinking and pondering, that I miss writing. I miss the identity I have created for myself, even if it's still small. Yes, I will now have to work hard to re-establish myself as a writer and I will have to practice my craft to regain and build my skills, but so be it. I'm in a much better place now. :)
So, now I am working on trying to read 100 books this year, thinking about a second edition of my book, coaching soccer and teaching. I am also working on being at peace with where I am at. I know they say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. So, if it almost kills us, what does that count for?
It's Your Birthday
